How to Date as a Modern Femme Fatale

This is about protecting yourself first. So, to do that you need to put some rules in place around which to operate.

After the 1238th time I was left heart-broken and feeling like the loneliest girl in the world, I realized that my methods weren’t working. And, like a wise old mentor told me, if you keep doing the same thing you’re never going to see the right results.

I realized that, more than anything else, I needed a perspective change. I was getting so upset because a guy I’d never met unmatched me on Tinder before getting to know me – pig. Or a guy I’d gone on one date with never texted me again. Or someone I’d dated on the regular ghosts me, then reaches out a month later. All these situations are just downright disrespectful, but they aren’t exclusive to me or you; they’re happening to everyone!

Even the incredibly hot ones. It’s not a reflection of my contribution to said relationship, nor was it a punishment because I’d said the wrong thing. But yeah, I’d take a second to get really pissed off, find some wine, then get right back on the swipe machine and find the next poor soul to ditch me. Going around and around in circles, wondering why I’m the problem and why no-one loves me.

Right! Time for some tough love.

I was the problem – for myself. I wasn’t being kind to myself or in the way I would approach each of these situations. I didn’t enter any interaction with a plan or enough self-awareness to learn from past experiences. Instead, I fluttered into every date looking like the heart-

eyed emoji, hoping and praying that (like a movie starring Kate Hudson) I would be the once-unlovable girl who met her soulmate… on a Tinder date… in a dive bar… in Brooklyn.

Now I’m not saying don’t go on Tinder dates in dive bars – quite the opposite, we need to put money into local businesses!

Go on all the dates! What I’m saying is don’t be me. For every new and positive flirt-a-thon with the next 6-foot hottie you’ve matched, you’re suddenly distracted by his attention and not thinking about the last doofus (who you weren’t that in to) but never texted you back anyway. Don’t be me – don’t go on dates without proper preparation. Don’t enter a meeting without being strong.

So, in order to protect myself moving forward – just like Dua Lupa said, I’ve got new rules I follow. And I want to share them with you! Think of these rules as the baseline of your expectations before deciding if he’s a good chap or a bad chap. You want to protect yourself from potential fuckwit-ary and be well-equipped to handle what ultimately might be a bad

outcome.

So here you are - the new instructions on how to date as a Modern Femme Fatale!

1. It is not a first date unless it meets the below criteria:

a. It’s just the two of you

b. Involves consumption (food or drinks)

c. It’s at an actual establishment (not his apartment)

d. Involves an activity (ice skating, wine tasting, pool – a reason besides meeting)

Hear me out! The purpose of these rules are to help get into the habit of always considering ourselves first, ensuring we have a great time (your time is valuable, my precious fatale), and weeding out the men who aren’t worth our time - AKA the ones who can’t be bothered with the above 4 things.

For too long have we’ve heard of the ‘meet him at the pub to watch the game with all his mates’ “dates” which aren’t actually a valuable way to get to know someone.

5th date – yeah, for sure.

1st date… unlikely.

I, as a modern femme fatale, respect myself enough to know that I deserve an actual date of courtship. One that isn’t half-played or disintegrated by ease or speed. Therefore, for at least the first 4 dates, when I’ve begun hanging out with someone I follow these parameters. Once I trust this person, then I can feel comfortable with more casual meet ups – like Netflix and chilling. (winky face)

2. Make sure he follows the 3 P’s

He Picks. He Plans. He Pays.

Disclaimer: if you’ve been seeing this guy for a while, then all rules are out the window. You can plan all the cute picnics, Thai food, and documentary dates you want.

Be open and let him pick/plan/pay – I know it’s easy to want to take control of the situation, but give him the opportunity to be a man and build the basis of your evening. It’s the least he can do for a night of your company.

If I’m going to meet you, I want to be sure I’m going to enjoy myself and that there’s at least a plan. However, if we let him decide we can filter out what his intentions are. For example, “Come to my place, for whatever?” Hmmm… do you really think your potential queen would accept that proposal?

The paying argument is controversial. I personally am a big believer of splitting, or the “you get the drinks, I’ll get the food” mentality. What I want for you (because you’re the one in control of you, remember) is to notice if he offers to pay. It says that he wants to take care of you and your time is more valuable than just his company. It also says that’s he’s been listening to an older generation. Whether YOU CHOOSE to accept his payment… that’s up to you, girl.

3. Don’t stray from your values

Sometimes as women (and I’m the worst at doing this), we make exceptions for bad behavior because we want the outcome to be optimal. So, we forgive and that’s fine. But then we make excuses for that behavior like there was any kind of reasoning that made it okay.

When you’re first dating someone, this is a sign of lowering your standards; if you let these values go ignored so early into this relationship, then you’re not being true to yourself.

One thing I’ve always been uncomfortable with is men treating me like they already know I’m going to sleep with them. Like they’re entitled to my body just because I’m right there. It makes me uncomfortable. But, when my self esteem has been lower, I’ll admit I’ve let that behavior get a free pass. I’m not talking about flirting or having sex on the first date, I’m talking about that implied “we’re going home together” “you’re a sure thing” crap. Yeah, I probably will go home with you, and it’s going to be wild – but don’t sit there saying that “I reckon I could have you” when you haven’t even worked for it.

When this attitude comes around now, I set the record straight immediately. I say, “you keep talking like that and you’re never getting near this” or I’ll interrogate them, “how are you so sure?” “why are you so special?” It’s arrogant, piggish, and really insulting.

You may have your own deal breakers, like drinking beer with a straw or wearing crocs. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to get the hell outta there if he doesn’t meet your personal values.

4. Be prepared to lose him

In my past life (before MFF) I was an optimist. Every date could be my potential soulmate and he would whisk me away from this scary world, buying me a dachshund every time I was sad.

Fantasy – a nice one, but not at all real. I’d put so my faith in this man being the one that I would ignore any other prospect within in my peripherals. Just because you’re on a date with this man doesn’t mean you’re entitled to their affection. And, if you’re a strong women and you’ve followed through with rules 1-3, you’re standing up for your values and for what you deserve. There’s a chance that this male may get scared of your tenacity and strength and run away.

It’s not a reflection on you – and there are so many men who will take feedback on board like an adult. But some men (usually the ones with mommy issues) aren’t used to being told no. Or they know there’s another girl (with half your smarts who will smile and let him behave like a shit) only a couple of left swipes away.

I get it – there’s nothing more difficult than confronting him about your deal breakers, especially when the other qualities were positive and, who knows? He could change.

“I haven’t been out with a good one in ages” or “It’s really not that big of a deal” Honey…. just no. He didn’t fit your values. So, let’s quickly get rid of any trace of him so you can find another one. And, because you were prepared that he may not be prince charming, you never gained so you never lost.

If you’re reading this with one eyebrow raised and thinking I’m nuts because there’ll be no men left, remember whose blog you’re reading. This is about being fierce, being powerful, and using that power to get what you want and be in control of your surroundings. Be the MFF.

Can you honestly say the old way was you being in control? Because I certainly wasn’t.

The main thing I want you to take away from this is, if you apply these rules to your dating life you’re not turning men away – you’re setting standards for yourself so you don’t feel broken-hearted over every single transaction. Your expectations are lowered and you’re tough because you got the head start to move on.

If he comes back, that’s up to you on how to respond. However, if you let him go in your mind, you’re weeding out the weak. Literally. Do you really think a man will stop talking to you if you personally apply any of these rules to yourself? And if they do, they’re cowardly. I wouldn’t want a man who’s scared of a woman to be fathering my children.

And remember the guy a few paragraphs up that never called you? No? I’m not surprised, because you’ve gone on another four dates since then, you’re playing the game, and you’re in total control. For every guy you’ve met and gone on a date with that didn’t work out, there’s another one waiting in the midst who would love your company.

Just like Robin Scherbatsky said in How I Met Your Mother – men are like the subway. You miss one, another comes along in 5 minutes.