This morning while minding my own business I stumbled across my ex’s profile on Facebook. It's been over two years since we’ve spoken. Ive met some amazing people since then and closure was swift and gentle after we split. I thought to myself – sure I can check this out, he cant be doing better than me, because obviously I was the better half and his loss right?
Yeah, I wasn’t expecting to see what I saw – he’s in a happy relationship with what looks like a cute and bubbly new girlfriend.
‘Good for him. Now let’s close his profile and go back to changing the world with your powerful and influential blog and community”
………. Is what I should have said.
Not the case – I went down a rabbit hole of photos and comments and likes and stalking her profile and her friends’ profile and my god I buried myself in it for at least 10 minutes (in Facebook time that’s an eternity). Eventually I stopped torturing myself with a screen comparison of our physical differences. (I’m blonde she’s brunette for example) but now I’ve got some hovering heaviness in my stomach that’s playing with my insecurities.
Like I said, it’s been two years since I’d spoken to my ex. And our breakup was pretty clean and understandable. I wanted to move to NYC and become a girl boss. He wanted to buy a house and drink beer. A very grown up break up in which we both parted ways and never spoke again. I haven’t thought about him until today and yet his happiness is affecting me at this precise moment. Why?
Is it because he’s happy?
Is it because he’s settled with someone new, before I have?
Could it be because she’s a foot shorter than me, skinnier, prettier, perkier?
No, we weren’t right for each other – anyone could have been more right for him than I was. And just because he dated me in the past doesn’t mean he’s not entitled to find happiness with someone else.
Being a Modern Femme Fatale to me means being stronger than your emotions. Too long have I been possessed by my urges to push the ever alluring button that is a gateway into whats he doing. Is he happy without me? Is he miserable? Is he wearing that shirt I gave him? He he grown a beard and beer gut?
Curiosity killed the cat.
Personally, Id rather keep doing what Im doing and not endure the emotional hurdle of visualising him doing better than me. I am happy for him in a closed-that-chapter-for-good kind of way. But I know how vulnerable I am to this feeling. So best not try to uncover it again.
So, here are some tried and tested methods to end this habit and never look back!
1. Delete all contact
You know what I am talking about – Unfriend him on Facebook. Unfollow him on Insta. Delete and block his number, and all of his friends and family. Hear me out – as long as you’re a scrolling enthusiast on whatever form of social your prefer, if you’re still following any of his acquaintances, you’re always going to be in high alert that he appears in a photo/post. Just trust me on this one – better to remove them and once your heart is out of the wood works, if they really meant something to you, simply loop them back into the rotation.
2. Write a letter to yourself listing EVERYTHING you didn’t like about him
This is 100% helped me in the past. A quantifiable list of every time he made you feel bad, or sad, or belittled, or contradicted. Every time you asked him to put the toilet seat down and he grunted. Every-time you asked if he was coming over and he said i'm going to have an early one, then you find out he was having beers with da Boys. These are all things that on their own don’t warrant a breakup, but when you add them together the weight gets heavier. HOT TIP: add as much emotion as you can (i.e. how you felt, how long you cried in the shower). The point of this letter is to stop the sentimental demon creeping in and wishing you had fought harder at the time because he "could have been the one"
3. Recruit the “tough love” friend brigade
You’re already rich with friends. Friends who will always have your back. Will always give you perspective on situations and will always drag your ass out of bed to go to a 6am kickboxing class. But we all have that one, or two friends that are so assertive and cutthroat that one pep talk will have you pulling out your emergency voodoo doll – call on them.
My best girlfriend has actually used the words “If you go back to him again. I cant can be friends with you anymore. You’re not the girl I respected” – harsh huh!
It worked. Never called the prickagain.
4. Keep yourself busy
How can you be stalking, or even thinking about ol-mate-dumped-your-ass when you’re schedule is completely chocka-block full of appointments and activities.
From 6am, through to 10pm. You’ve got work, and Orange Theory, and happy hour, and that art gallery opening, and Mary’s baby shower (that you’ve volunteered to help decorate) and a girl’s trip to wine country. Theres not enough time to mourn a relationship if you're constantly on the go and improving yourself.
5. Replace him
If you’ve read my other blogs; How to protect yourself from dating disappointment & How to date as a Modern Femme Fatale - You’re probably familiar with my thoughts on finding a new and better man. Im sure you’ve heard the phrase “the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else” well, apply that to companionship. Girl, you don’t need to marry the bloke. But you. Sure as hell could use a distraction that comes in the form of “better than your ex”. Double points because you’re “keeping yourself busy”
The only real cure all for a broken heart – is time. And travel. Time travel. Haha. So accept your circumstances, be kind to yourself and trust the process. You will be ok and no matter how much stalking might temporarily fill the void in your heart – just remember curiosity killed the cat.
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